Understanding a Ruining
Posted by Kris on August 31st, 2007
I know it has only been two slim weeks since I got back home from my summer, but something is irking me. I just cannot seem to get 100% into the mindset that I desire so closely. And how do I know this mindset so well? From the mental freedom and acuity that I experienced during the summer. After years and years of routine at home, when I get an opportunity like I had with some serious focus for three months, I don’t come back the same. I come back wanting.
I mean, I love the teaching assistantships that I am doing this semester. For me, lecturing is the most unique and expressive way of communicating that I have experienced to date. A medium of communication like lecturing is a whole universe to me - it is life, nature, and truth. And, aside from teaching, I am also secure on all of the basic aspects of life. Good family, supportive yet excitingly odd friends, a good house, etc. This bothering of my soul is not easily summed up as a mere search for deeper meaning. That is only a part of it; I am already comfortable and curious with the meaning. This specific desire inside of me is more along the lines of getting back to a state of mind that I know is possible: I felt it. I’m just going about it in the wrong ways here, steering wrong in the walk of life.
I have the same amount of seconds in the day as Einstein did or as the student who sits in front of me in math class, thus I cannot and will not say that I don’t have the time to find this mindset again. What bothers me the most is the idea that the last tiny percentile of this is driving me in circles because I haven’ yet found/recreated/rediscovered the key ingredients that made up the mindset. Funny how your work can be 98% finished and perfect, but that last 2% can drive some to insanity - a broken fork in the road.
I know that my words feel vague, but have you ever seen my expression? My drawings? Conceptual, folk-like, and introspective. Right now, my mental leak and gap in the mind is the result of a questioning of my future activities, the result of a squawk by my desire to read, the result of a yearning to develop close and meaningful relationships with similar challenge-junkies and cerebral folks, the result of a looming feeling of waste as I overdo some various pointless details, and finally, the result of an endearment for the perfect blend of creativity, input, output, stability, and satisfaction from daily life - throughout my entire life.
Believe me, I’ll keep looking. In the next days, I’ll come back with answers and paths to this compelling satisfaction, I am sure. Probably some changes as well, but importantly: answers. Whatever they are, I will force my right-of-way not to let any shade of fear restrict my impending momentous journey, for then it would no longer be an impending and momentous journey.
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